Eeeeeeeek

Thank you everybody for your messages and comments, it's been lovely to read them all and to know that there are people out there that understand and care.Life's a rough road at the moment and the wheels keep falling off one at a time. It's difficult to steer through, but as long as some of the wheels are still turning, I can keep moving forward. The folks who are helping me along this bumpy track have been fixing the wheels back on again and haven't allowed me to run too far off the road and in to the ditch.

In among all the chaos, at long last I seem to be getting my thoughts sorted - it's taken a while. It's so difficult to think straight and behave rationally, with a heart and mind overwhelmed with so much emotional stuff. I didn't expect to wind up in this situation and I'm not greatly experienced or equipped with the skills to deal with it right and I get it wrong time and again. The knowledge of how much my actions are hurting people, with little justification other than selfishly seeking a happy place for my own future, is a hard to deal with. I messed everything up and I carry the responsibility for a lot of  heartbreak. The guilt of it all clouds my thoughts and affects my judgement all the time.

Time heals, as they say and things are starting to have a bit more order, which is what is needed for everybody. I've been having some sweet times with Joey, my younger boy. I gave him a bass guitar and amplifier for Christmas and he's worked hard at learning how to play it. Yesterday evening I picked him up and we had a jam session in the workshop until late. It was really good fun. I'm a dreadful guitar player, bass is my thing too, but it was fun to make a racket. I think we might have driven the rats out at least. I'm pleased he's stuck at it, the ability to make music will bring him many good times and friends in the future and to play together is a special thing for dad and son, particularly at a time like this.

Things are going slowly in the workshop. This is an 8lb jug I've been working on. It's taken ages and I've been panicking that I'm not getting where I want to be quickly enough. Some things just do take a long time and to rush them, would be to mess them up. Sometimes it's a matter of just calming down and allowing the process to dictate the pace if the end result is to be worthwhile. I need to remind myself of that all the time in the big workshop of life.

Yesterday I had a visit from Koichiro Isaka, the owner of Gallery St Ives in Tokyo, the gallery where I have my exhibition this Easter. I suggested that perhaps we might postpone the show until later in the year. We talked about it for a while and he wasn't keen. The outcome is that two months today I'll be on a plane to Japan, all alone. That's quite a terrifying prospect for a man with a messed up head, that only went on a tube train alone for the first time last summer. What a challenge though. I need to get busy, regain some confidence and get myself fit and well again. Oh, I suppose I'd better get out of bed and make some pots then. Happy Wednesday everybody and thank you.